Stress is ever present these days, we all know what we “should” be doing…but is it what we personally need to manage it all?

I am an over achiever! Or I was … or I am a recovering over achiever! A learnt behaviour. There wasn’t a lot of consistent happiness in my home growing up. There were many moments of laughter and play, family connection, nature, but due to single parenting in near poverty, and undiagnosed mental illness in that single parent (exacerbated by the first two situations), consistent, warm loving moments were often replaced with demands, responsibilities, stress, abandonment and, frankly - intergenerational trauma. We now know, kids need consistent loving warmth, and to be modelled emotional maturity (at least most of the time) to know they are enough as they are, and have healthy regulated nervous systems to grow into.

Many in my generation (and other’s) didn’t get enough of that growing up, and instead navigated intergenerational trauma, parentification (high levels of responsibility, parenting the parent or younger siblings when still a child), and all the adaptive behaviour that that environment creates. For me that adaptation was escaping through learning, reading, studying, getting excellent grades, multiple degrees…. In order to prove to myself, my teachers, my absent parents, I am worthy. Subconsciously I believed - “If I am perfect, if I achieve, if I’m good at my chosen endeavours, I will be loved”.

That subconscious driver is so powerful. We are driven by 90% subconscious and 10% consciousness/awareness. We all have one or more of these subconscious beliefs, to greater or lesser degrees, mostly created at a very young age. Sometimes we are aware of them, a lot of the time we are not.

Before becoming a parent myself, I didn’t really notice this one of mine, I thought, “I just love learning and thrive by keeping my curious mind engaged. I want to do something that deeply interests me and has meaning”. And while these beliefs were also true, there were others also at play. Then the pressures of juggling parenting (as well as I could possibly do), studying (very hard), working (a lot), with very little to no support, while still trying to maintain a level of - everything must be cooked from scratch, and taste amazing - that kind of idea - was becoming a giant pressure cooker. “If I make the best most delicious comforting food, my partner will notice me, and love me”… “If I never let my baby cry, he will feel safe and never experience what I had to’…. “If I eat extremely well, I will heal everything”… I mean, this is not the actual thoughts I was thinking, but subconsciously these were the driving me.

What a giant load of stress and pressure. Pressure = friction. Friction = heat. Heat = inflammation. You get the picture. None of this was healing. It was creating huge stress, resentment and deep fatigue. However, as with most life challenges, it taught me a lot. I really needed to slow down. Big time. I needed to outsource, rest and nourish myself in gentle ways that worked for me, in order to manage stress. For me, at that time, what I needed to do was identify what my driver was, to identify that I was the one creating all of this - extra - stress. Then communicate what I needed clearly without blame or guilt. And then - the big one - actually restructure my life in order to get the yin parts back. The softness. Rest, deep rest. Gentle exersize. Cuddling the dog, days off. Saying no. Not focus on having the perfect meals etc, just doing enough. Not adding more - thats yang, thats hot, thats more pressure - but less.

I started to feel ok about not having all the answers, about making mistakes, about eating easy bolognese for the one-hundred-and-forty-sixth time… With space and gentle morning walks, natural light, I started to feel less stressed, and ironically, more capable. Capable of calm. Capable of regulation. Capable of more quality work. Capable of noticing when the output was becoming more than the input. Then healing sped up, digestion settled, energy regulated.

In order for us to be doing great things in the world, wether that is planting trees or gardens, raising kids, healing ourselves or others, or creating art, teaching, loving a pet, looking after a friend or neighbour - giving back in any way - we need to be able to breathe in. It can’t all be out breath.

For me managing stress was reducing the need to please, to achieve, to keep going at all costs in order to be loved. Releasing the need to have it all, do it all. It was about slowing down, knowing I am enough and worthy of love just by being me, not through what I do or give. It was about prioritising rest, sleep, and natural hormone rhythms and saying no to being perfect. Or rather trying to be perfect. Seeing through the should’s.

For others it will be something different. Finding your ‘medicine’, what works for you, is entirely individual, and only you have those answers. Space & time, clever facilitation, and tending to the qi and blood via acupuncture can help one find the answers, but essentially your answers are in you. You are the only one who truely knows what you need, and it might not be what you think of at first.

I have been blessed, so incredibly blessed in this life. I have a curious mind that, through the trauma I have experienced, has lead me to want to understand healing and people and life and nuance. It has lead me to study a wonderfully rich and profound form of medicine, the workings of the human body, mind and emotions, through both a detailed western and eastern lens, and a variety of techniques and tools to help facilitate change. I have been blessed to have had access to an ancient oral lineage and incredible teachers and teachings, that I now share with my community. I have been capable of study, work, and play. And I have been nourished by the lands of this country, to which I call home, for which I honour and thank our first peoples, as well as those of my original home - Aotearoa.

Mainly though, I am blessed because my past has gifted me a great depth of understanding and empathy towards the complexities and pain people experience. It has called me to help others navigate this journey of being human, to hold space for the tenderness and visceral vulnerability of it all. The enormity of it. The messiness of it. And the staggering beauty and wonder of it.

We can’t do it all, and we can’t do it alone. We all suffer. We all love. We all need connection, and all thrive in safety. Life is complex, and through hardships we learn, grow, and soften, if we choose to.

The perspective we choose is important.

I have much to learn. I have many more places in me to discover, to soften, and to open. But I am now doing that with gentleness, in my own time and way. Practising the required bravery needed to face vulnerability, face where we can soften and open, requires a regulated nervous system, and a great deal of gentleness. And then, more and more, the rewards are great x